The Disturbance of Old Covenantal Thinking

The half Autumnal evening approached the frontscreen of my car, driving in the direction of home (wherever that is considered to be).

The usual thoughts, scattered and sporadic, quickly came and went as my surroundings lent to me their associative memories. In the switching on of my CD player, a Christian Worship compilation album played, mid song, with the words: "Strength will rise as we wait upon the Lord..."

And the theological contemplation gate swung wide upon! Words, thoughts and ideas sped out as I pondered the consideration; 'do we actually need to wait upon the Lord anymore?'.

I realized in the moment of the song playing, that it was probably a Psalm and so thus probably written by King David. (found out afterwards it was actually from Isaiah though David does mention waiting on God). I also realized that so much of our songs come from the Psalms, and in communities of Jesus followers we so often go to the Psalms, we so often use them as vehicles of expression to God.

In what follows, i'm not intending to demean King David, nor Isaiah, nor to speak against finding the Psalms useful... but I am wondering, i suppose, at the base of our theological assumptions, whether our view of our connection (or disconnection to God) is hindered by an unhealthy leaning on the Psalms.  If we are followers of Jesus, and therefore living in the new covenant (temple curtain torn/God with us/filled with the Spirit of the Lord) should our conversations with God be more than Davids conversations with Him?

I really do actually find the Psalms to be a real aid. I really do. Really.
David uses poetry and praise in word form, expressing both joy and depths of despair, so it's almost no surprise to be encouraged by these snapshots. And Jesus does say in 2 Timothy 3:16 "All Scripture is God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness".

My hesitation, or wondering, i suppose... is something around the area of Old Covenant versus New Covenant. I see many characters from the Old Testament being revered and whole sermon series being crafted around such individuals- even to the point of saying we should be like them. And I can't deny or affirm a generalized group of individuals I haven't specifically named, BUT, I feel a little hesitant in those moments, when Jesus Himself is put on the backburner as role model. I just...I find it disturbing.

If we are indeed Jesus followers, a people so entranced by the Divine Maker, given to Him and hungering to do His works, do we listen to His call to be like Him? To do the things He did and greater? Do we realize that is a wider picture than one part? Do we know that we are in a different position than before when we are face to face with God? Yes He is holy. But He is also our Father. We get to know Him in His complexities. We have that privelege, NOT by anything we have done, of course not, but it is all by His kindness and grace that we get the opportunity to enjoy intimacy with Him.

I heard someone once say, "isn't God actually the One waiting for us rather than the other way round?" We live in an age where the Holy Spirit has been poured out. We are not in a world where Gods voice was heard occasionally through picked out prophets in different generations. We get to have the Spirit of God living inside of us. That's like pretty crazy?! 

And so, recognising the now-and-not-yet aspect of the kingdom of God, I just wonder whether we're missing out on a fuller picture of our relationship with God, and it's outworking in the world, when we build our picture of christianity out of the old covenant and its treasured, though broken, human adventurers.

Keep Calm and Do NOT fear

I guess there'll be countless versions of this sort of blog post, and of course there would be.
Today appears to be one of those unusually significant days of change. Yet history shows numerous versions of these kind of days.

I don't think I could have known, even with all the facts, the best way to vote in the decision to whether the UK stays in the EU or not. So in a way, I don't think it matters to share which way I voted. That said, the way things have turned out means that today has a different feel.

People seem to be feeling fear and unrest.
I'm doing alright though. And here's why.

My home is heaven. When I chose to follow Jesus I acknowledged my true home which is with God; the One who created everything. And so any country I live in is seen in its temporal setting.
I still see myself as European and part of Europe I suppose regardless of voting outcomes.

What happens onwards from today, I guess we don't know. But fear isn't going to do anything helpful. So let's tally ho and pack up our troubles in our old kit bag and give 'em to Jesus.

Ok?

Good.

God is still on His throne.

The Burn

Burn 24/7. A strong title. Sometimes comprehended in mixed ways by those harbouring hurt and misunderstandings, but in its simplicity is paralellic to the vast and crazy expressions of love e.g. "I burn with a passion for you!" or "i'm enflamed with an obsession of love!!!" What are known often as 'burns' (as far as those connected with the Burn 24/7 movement) are gatherings of folk filled with a love for Jesus, and who are raising up a song of love to Him as our Lord and Saviour.

I found myself hosting a 'burn' in Reading for just over a year. I never really wanted to lead anything though if i'm honest. Having reluctantly ran my Uni christian union for a year where it seemed nobody else would, I somehow stumbled across a similar situation with the Burn.

I was waving cars off at the end of David's Tent festival, smiling with tired eyes to the buzzing wanderers, when a friend paused his car and said "let's have a burn in Reading!". Having seen so many people start with an idea and then drop it quickly for something else, I responded with excitement but within held myself back. If this was something I was going to do, I wanted to really commit and run with it well.

The weeks went on and I kept wondering. For that past year I had wanted to do something new, step out in a fresh way, and was praying that God would show me what to do but I heard nothing specific. I wondered whether this 'burn' idea was His doing, as far as Him wanting me to step out in faith and 'have a go'. In amongst those thoughts I also realized that I had long dreamt & yearned that Reading would have a 24/7 Prayer Room open for public use. I'd heard since that dream of the 'Boiler Room' which had been something like that connected with 24/7 Prayer, but if it still existed in any form today, it was hidden from all social media and obvious church connections. I googled quite a bit!

As an idea started to birth, I realized that I really wanted to see a cross church worship thing in Reading. Something that was free, not restricted or owned by one church, and something of a monthly space to praise Jesus as God together vocally, with shouts, words, dance, song and art.

I'd experienced one expression of prayer in the monastic way of quiet contemplation, and found it a helpful guide to interacting with God in the day. But 'burn', and my heart for praise particularly, was more about a coming together of Jesus followers to vocally raise up praise to Him. Regardless of whether people could sing or dance or not. Just to say or shout or sing or express "You ARE worthy!"

So. I took a step.

Meetings were had. Vision was shared. Administrative niggly bits were embraced. Marketing and social media and all sorts.

We launched using a downstairs room of a church on the Oxford Rd in Reading. Lots of things went a bit 'wrong' and I had a revelation on the cost of leadership in the kingdom. The room was fairly packed and some kind friends (and friends of friends) helped lead the sets. A lady unhelpfully started telling me lots of negative stuff that evening (you know the kind; the highly spiritual 'intecessory' lady who thinks shes being helpful because she's sharing everything she knows because she's so spiritually aware). It was distracting and rather depressing and I couldn't feel Gods prescence. Which was weird for me. Like really weird. And everyone around me seemed to be digging the whole evening. Which was good, and encouraging.

After that very intensive night, so much energy being put into plugging this launch, I realized that this was a marathon and not a sprint, and woops how on earth do I sustain this kind of cray cray marketing epicness every month. I mean. I had a day job. And little to none money to spend. And it turns out, that most churches we found charged money to hire out a room for a few hours to sing to Jesus in. Let alone the dream of 24hrs a month. And i was not getting paid by anyone to do this. It was coming out of me and my friends bank account. So we had to really want to do this.

Some twists and turns occurred and my friend had life stuff that changed some things, which meant the 2 1/2 of us running the Burn were down to 1. I wanted to see what would happen if I kept going and if there was any other crazy locals who had caught this vision of praising Jesus for innumerable hours, and I found some.

The Burn in Reading that year ranged from mini burns in a closet sized 24/7 prayer room with a 2 people, to 7 of us from different churches in a HUGE town centre church that cost too much to mention, to perhaps 30 people coming in and out of a 12hr burn that October. These were not meetings to encounter God (though we often experienced very profound deep moments together with the Lord). First and foremost the standing together praising Jesus regardless of whether we felt like it or not, this was something entirely helpful; theologically, experientially and spiritually. Isn't He worthy of praise whether we feel the tingle of delight from Him, the wordless holiness of His face or not? And yet we welcome the hunger to meet with Him profoundly. We're not anti-hunger, merely pro-praise.

I remember praising Jesus at burns in a Brethren church, Anglican churches, Non-Denominational, a 24/7 Prayer Room, a friends house and my own house.

Having realized that alot of admin went into sustaining this, at the very least the booking of a venue, finding people to play (who also actually loved Jesus and got the vision of just praising Him because He's worthy- not a performance and not 'trying' to lead but leading by actually praising in worship), letting people know, and planning the next place so that people would know where it would be next month...and that was the minimum...I found things hard to sustain just me. It wasn't that there weren't people to help or willing to pitch in. But as far as someone else who really got the vision and was carrying it with a commitment to doing it each month, I was still in hope that i'd find that person/those persons. :)

I carried this for a year and due to burn out paused the public burns in Reading, in the realization that I can't (nor do I want to) do this if it's not an expression of family, and the hope that someone would appear and pick up where I left off. I also had felt the Lord speak to me about moving to Oxford for a year (though i was quite argumentative in this suggestion). And so I ended up in Oxford, and started helping out a little with the Burn there.

I went through a period of thinking running with the Burn in Reading had been such a waste (of time, energy and money) and that God hadn't really told me to do it specifically. However since those thoughts He reminded me that I did in fact count it an act of worship to sacrifice to much for Him, and so did He, even though nobody else knew or few saw the sacrifice. And even though hundreds didn't come and barely any of the pastors I spoke to seemed interested in such a thing, still it was something the Lord counted as precious to Him and that it was bringing change in Reading. So I took His correction and carried on with life transitions & the drama of the Oxford journey.

And just recently, not that I assume any or much correlation, I heard of hundreds in Reading coming to Jesus in intrigue, delight and wonder. And it makes me wonder....

The Step Out: Lies vs Truth

Sat in the uniquely generic mason-jarred cafes, this city gives the usual allure of refined ascension.

 I've been forced to confront in myself the spinning spiritual climate, where the voices over this land speak competitive discontent, misplaced strokings of the ego & distractive idolatry in varying forms.

Often we find ourselves hearing the unspoken lies in our minds, yet so quickly fall to the assumption that these lies are, in fact, our own truths. And thus they stay, unchallenged. However, when such destructive words, fueled by the spiritual forces that seek division, are realized for what they are: outward spirits of torment rather than inward realities of who we are, we may find a peace. Even more so when we have solid truth to replace such lies.

Life in Oxford so far has been one of challenge for me. This year has been full-on, with a close friend passing away, illness hitting me on and off, including over the entirety of Christmas and New Year, spiritual forces of darkness having little digs now and then, supernatural deliverance, as well as disappointment trying to get in when the state of physically feeling ill challenged my ability to make music as I know i've been called to. Not to mention (but doing so) the challenge of community in a new city when everyone else is going through their own personal battles.

All year I've been desiring to make good foundations here and invest well into friendships (something I really feel quite weak in), yet in the furore of sickness have found even the ability to uphold conversation with others or interact much pretty difficult. In this i'm under the impression that those around me have detected an essence of reserve which may have been mistaken for unfriendliness, which is really not the case. But so it is and I continue to figure out the journey of horizontal connection. (I make this distinct from the vertical divine connection with the Lord).

The bizarre thing is, regardless of the sickness, life situations and so on, I can still find peace and rest when worshiping Jesus; singing love songs of honour to Him or simply lying down listening to worship music (for example). It is such a blessing to be able to, in the middle of physical sickness in my body, be able to know divine refreshment from Jesus, and is such a kind gift. Sometimes i've experienced sudden healing and physical strength (praise the Lord!) and other times it's been partial. (I make no assumptions in this moment for the theology of healing in this case. If you're interested in pondering the subject of suffering further, there's a great teaching day on May 7th in London run by the prestigious Oxford Centre for Christian Apologetics aka OCCA)

I've been so encouraged by the OCCA, using highly respected speakers, professors and theologians to equip the public with tools to seek the truth of life. Whilst their weighty degrees and awards give them great gravitas in the academic world, for me what is even weightier is their faith in Jesus and honour of the Presence of God. This sets them apart from generic philosophical groups, conjuring up abstract concepts of what truth is solely from their own mind. But I do very much appreciate the OCCA in its unrelenting quest to seek to truth and address real objections people have to Jesus, God, His goodness or the problem of evil (as a taster).

This wasn't initially intended to be a plug for the Why Series, but i'd love to challenge you, if you are a seeker of truth and what is real, please do check out the Why event at St Mary's Church, Bryanston Square, London.

:)

Excellence & Idols

I never want to be one of those people who passive aggressively, or even openly, shames past church communities in airing their faults and broken moments- painting them in a frozen state of disrepair and being an unneccessary stumbling block of offense for those reading on social media. 

I love the Church. I love Gods collection of followers. I love all the churches i've been blessed to learn from. His Bride is so beautiful. And being beautified (realistically, formed of messed up people on journeys of healing & restoration.)

So, in light of that, I wanted to pick out a moment from a community I was part of for a bit, (keeping them anonymous in an attempt to honour their dignity & hoping it relays the love I feel for them!)

Excellence.

Excellence is something I've been hearing a lot about in the christian circles I walk in at the moment.

By excellence, people who use the phrase are conveying the desire to do things really well, not sloppily or half-baked. Often in musical praise contexts, this has to do with the music being played musically well, not out of tune, but with skill, (as well as good sound equipment, set up and organisation being factored in too.) I agree with this, as far as the bible says to ['Worship the Lord God with all your mind, soul, body, spirit & strength'] meaning, to do everything well as an expression of worship.

I was part of a community for a season; a group who were so passionate about people, putting on many social events and connected with some incredible local charities. A large part of their talks were on inclusivity of others, diversity and community, things which are super important. I remember feeling so welcomed when, even after only visiting once, people remembered my name! :)

Sadly though, I noticed so much celebration of each other and talk about leisurely pursuits, but not so much a desire talk about Jesus Himself. Maybe not strange for non-church going communities, but for a christian community, that's kind of weird. 

The community, as far as my experience of it, were so passionate about doing community excellently, as well as big events done with efficiency (which they definitely did, and have such a strength in!) But it saddens me when excellence is actually a mask for the idolatry of others. And that's how I saw it.

I think there's an extent to how we can find out what our gods or idols are, what we worship, by what we enjoy talking about and are passionate about, (or what we sow our money into of course). I love to talk about Jesus. But i'm pretty aware I don't have it all together, and my walk with God is in refinement still. I also love music. Growing up in music, training everyday from 5yrs old at least, being a musician was such a centric thing to me, so it was a HUGE breakthrough when I realized at church one day that really, my identity is not as a musician. I'm not a musician in my being. I'm a child of God. 

I also love people. I love spending time with people. But when I pursue time with others more to gain intimacy, validation and affirmation, rather than God (who happens to be the perfection of Love) then that reveals an issue of idolatry and lack of trust. Which is what I guess i've been learning myself, as well as realizing that's been a sad issue in that christian community i spent time amongst. And I want to see that change. 

LUKE 10:27 

"He answered, "'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind'; and, 'Love your neighbor as yourself.'"

The Oxford Leap

Oxford.

A notorious UK city known for it's intellectual intrigue and historical weight.

And one I didn't fully imagine I would be living in until recently...


Of the first books I devoured as a young child, Tolkien and CS Lewis's works in the form of The Hobbit and Narnia were among the top of the pile. I found myself lost within the woven narratives, the pictoral essence of imagination in a simplistic dream life. With this personal history of warm romanticism, as far as the fantasy lands created by such authors go, I suppose that Oxford by association was a similarly romantic city- one which inspired creative motivation.


In some ways Oxford has the potential to be a place of great sorrow for myself as, though I went onto Higher Education, for varying reasons I didn't finish my degree. My academic studies in school were somewhat sacrificed for musical pursuits, so in terms of a consideration for career options, I was in a state of despair and hurt at what was apparently snatched from me and the limitations I thought were a given for my life now. For the copious persons in this city of an intellectual nature, many with letters indicating education after their names, I could well find pain and intimidation here if I looked for it and unhealthily compared myself. However, I love studying & research, reading, and intellectual wonderings of etymological thoughts, so Oxford has become a place where I have the beautiful option of thankfulness, being amongst peers whose linguistic conversation satisfy something deep in me as both a poet and malnourished student.

Years later in post-student life, through some substantial season fields involving relational depth, lessons in love and varying forms of heart healing, I found myself involved with a first love ministry and casually went along to one of these worship events in Oxford (Burn 24/7 Oxford).

When walking into the Old Fire Station building, I didn't really have much vision into where i'd be in the future, but amidst an intense season (that very night a close relative nearly died) I saw a gathered community of Jesus lovers who did family really well and oozed the love of God.


I went to the next 'burn', and then the next, and found myself caught up into this beautiful community of expectant believers, some particular friendships that blew my mind in powerful ways and continue to do so. [I love you very dearly. You know who you are. :) ] I started looking for jobs in Oxford and found one, then ended up on this journey of house hunting, which, if you haven't experienced it yet, involves so much logistical motivation and perseverance!

Long story short, and I find myself in this charming, simplistic flat, a short walk from the city, close to stunning fields, adjacent to picturesque rivers and down the road from friends. I've had the honour of worshipping for hours on multiple pianos in nationally significant historic locations, being blessed by amateur chefs cooking yumminess, getting to pray for significant christians, spending time with peers again and losing weight through mere routine continuity. I am not taking this for granted one bit and continue to be truly amazed at what God is doing in my life.

Stepping out is scary. But my goodness there's nothing quite like that moment when the leap is taken and Jesus is so apparent in His strength and consistency, Such a rich blessing.

Take courage. Take a leap today.

Bloody Boundaries!

[Shocker expletive snippet with a perusal deeper into it.]

As many of my creative lightening moments arrive whilst taking a shower, this similar thought of "Bloody Boundaries" popped into my conciousness. The thought flashes zinged & zapped their forward motions in parallel with the ebb&flow of liquid H20. 

Beginning to ponder on boundaries, at least within the church culture; applying wisdom to relational connections. Maybe blood has something to do with boundaries after all?

{life is in the blood} Leviticus 17v14

Does life dictate my healthy boundary lines?

When I connect with a friend, is my first approach to give or take?

Do I operate out of a place of lack or full abundance to overflow?

If Jesus is the Way, the Truth and the Life, then is He my boundary guide in wisdom?

My friends and I often have a quirky injoke of linguistics, where within the prose verbalized lay essences of wonder. A portion being the discussion of 'how do we flee from sin and keep our thoughtlife pure'? (because we are aware we are able to do this in Christ) If I struggle with being friends with men then how do I embrace my male friends in a way that does not avoid the issue, presses onward to healing? Loving them well in a place of boldness & freedom but staying in wisdom...

I think blood is the answer. By which I mean Jesus' blood- its symbolic and true place as an expression of deep love.

These accumulative words are a journeying of wondering. I wonder how to keep boundaries bloody. :)